There are many types of relationships besides the standard, which in the dominant North American culture is monogamy. That is, having a sexual relationship with only one partner during a time period. Other types of relationships range from open relationships – where multiple sexual partners are allowed to Monogamish relationships, where, as termed by Dan Savage, a writer and columnist, refers to relationships where the couple is mainly sexually active with each other, but other partners are allowed. How non-monogamous relationships work differs from couple to couple.
But it seems that the more successful ones have an agreement as to how and when other partners are permitted. Sometimes they are limited to such conditions as “one-night stands only” or “when out of town” or “don’t ask don’t tell”. Often, opening up the relationship refers only to sex and precludes any emotional attachment. This, while sounding easy enough, maybe difficult. Sex can cloud emotions – and can lead to falling for the other person. It is easy to become attached to someone if the sex becomes more than sex – such as going on dates and spending quality time outside of the bedroom.
Regardless of agreements made, there needs to be a great deal of trust between partners to have a successful non-monogamous relationship. Anxiety about the relationship can be very high in these types of relationships. Sometimes one partner wants an open relationship while the other might not, but is fearful of losing their significant other. This type of situation is difficult to negotiate and may lead to problems down the road. A couple should think carefully if both are not on the same page about wanting some sort of open relationship. It can be difficult to restore the intimacy that could get lost in an open relationship.
While the idea of monogamish and open relationships are known of in the heterosexual community, the gay community, at least for men, appears to be more on board with the idea. This may be because many gay men have long adopted a “sex for entertainment” mentality where sex can be recreation, not procreational. There are caveats when it comes to such relationships though. Sometimes, couples complain about being bored with their partner and decide that opening it up is the only way to spice things up.
This can certainly be an option, but boredom can often be a symptom of a lack of communication between partners. You need to discuss with your partner what you want and need sexually. Most of us have been brought up in a culture where sex is not typically spoken of. But it needs to be. After the initial thrill of a new partner wears off, communication can help to keep needs met and partners happy sexually. But it starts with communication.
If, after you have established this communication and still want to open up the relationship, then talk about this too. There is much to discuss; and successful open relationships rely on it. In the end, both persons in a relationship need to agree equally on not only to open up the relationship, but how that is going to happen, and under what circumstances.